


Safesearch: Off

by paroxferox



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied Relationships, Multi, Nobody scores everyone is horrified, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Steve/Internet NOtp, Tony is never living this down, Vintage Pornography
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-19 13:36:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1471753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paroxferox/pseuds/paroxferox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You never know when your old war buddy (or your dad) is going to show up in a gallery of vintage erotic photography.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safesearch: Off

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StringTheori](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StringTheori/gifts).



He might not admit it out loud all the time, but every now and then, Steve enjoys visiting Stark Tower.

The invitation was extended shortly after Tony’s Christmas disaster; no doubt Stark found himself more than a little uncomfortable being left alone with his thoughts for so long. From what Steve is given to understand, Bruce was the first and only Avenger to respond in any meaningful way, quietly moving in with Tony and Pepper and staying a few weeks at a time before wandering off to...well, Steve’s not entirely sure what Bruce does when he vanishes, but he assumes it keeps the Hulk happy and compliant, and that’s probably more important than knowing the _details_ of the trips. For his part, Steve prefers his privacy; SHIELD’s apartments in Washington are perfectly comfortable.

But sometimes, when Natasha is out of the country doing whatever it is she and Hawkeye do, and all Steve’s other acquaintances have lives of their own, he takes Tony up on the invite. Usually, it’s _coincidentally_ timed so Pepper is in DC already, visiting the site of Tony’s newest construction endeavor or handling government contracting or...whatever it is that a CEO gets up to. He likes Pepper, and she seems to like him at least enough that she lets him take the jet back to New York with her. Usually, he stays a few days, maybe a week if he’s _really_ run down, but Tony is better in small doses (and even better in small doses with Bruce around to act as a sort of living buffer between the pair of them). At first, it was strange, but by Steve’s third visit, they were beginning to feel like _friends_ , and not just awkward acquaintances. By the fourth, he was dropping by monthly - penciled in on Pepper’s schedule and everything.

Life in the tower is...pleasant, like an expensive hotel room with none of the annoying parts of hotels. Afternoons are usually quiet and comfortable, spent in one of Tony’s lavishly-overdone rec rooms. Steve has a chair by the window, just far enough removed from the couch on which Tony and Pepper are inclined to sprawl that he’s not privy to anything they might mumble to each other, but close enough that conversation’s never a problem. Tony watches trashy television (lots of media outlets and celebrity gossip, since, as he puts it, “I have to know what everyone’s saying about me”) and Pepper, who has an uncanny ability to tune out anything she doesn’t feel like dealing with, sprawls on him and naps or reads magazines. Bruce drifts through as he feels like it, sometimes perching on the arm of the couch to ask Tony a question about something scientific and sometimes settling down at the opposite end of the couch to read a book or chat with Pepper.

Today, all four of them are together, Tony and Pepper tangled in each other while Pepper reads _Forbes_ and ignores TMZ, Bruce sitting with Tony’s feet in his lap and Pepper’s head on his shoulder, completely engrossed in a Stephen Hawking book. Tony’s obviously only half-watching the current celebrity interview, most of his attention absorbed in tracing the vivid print on Pepper’s shirt. For his part, Steve stays apart from the pile, curled cross-legged in what he’s come to know as _his_ armchair with his laptop.

The TV is easy for him to tune out; after life in an Army camp, there’s almost no twenty-first century circumstance that he can’t ignore in favor of whatever he’s doing. Stark Tower is, in essence, quiet time - he takes his laptop and what Pepper calls his “catching-up notebook,” sits down, and starts tapping his way through Wikipedia, digging up information on whatever new references he’s come across in the week. There aren’t many this time, and when he reaches the end of his list, he chain-links for a while, following article to article and eventually finding his way into a collection of “vintage” photography galleries. The one he starts in looks like war photography, mostly, uniforms and equipment and even occasionally faces Steve remembers. It is reassuring only for a moment. Nostalgia wars with discomfort, discomfort eventually winning out and sending him clicking into the sidebar, looking for anything that doesn’t have the word _war_ in its title.

The page that loads couldn’t be more different. It takes a moment for the _content_ of the gallery to sink in, and Steve leans forward slightly to get a better look at the faded grey thumbnails before he realizes exactly what he’s looking at. It doesn’t _shock_ him - he saw his share of pinups in the army, and he has fondly-embarrassed memories of sneaking peeks at a handful of dirty pictures Bucky picked up - but the last thing he was expecting in a vintage photo gallery was _pornography_. He jumps into action the same as he always does when he ends up on a site he wasn’t expecting, flicking the cursor up toward the red X in the corner of the screen with a practiced motion, but one of the thumbnails catches his eye before he can click out. He stays his hand and glances - then studies - then frowns.

He casts a quick, sheepish look around the room to make sure nobody’s watching him before he clicks the image to full-size. And even if no one was looking _before_ Steve opened the photo, they’re sure as hell looking after he yelps and almost drops the laptop.

Pepper and Bruce only glance up briefly, both of them used to Steve’s occasional outbursts at the computer, but Tony doesn’t miss a chance to needle, and _he_ keeps staring at Steve, a wolfish grin overtaking his face. “See something that shocked you, Rogers?” he asks, and Steve hunches his shoulders instinctively. Somehow, that makes it worse. Tony stands up in a single smooth motion, earning a huff of protest from Pepper, who had her legs thrown across his lap, and crosses the room. “What’d you find? Girls Gone Wild? Meatspin? Lemon Party? Something even weirder? There’s all kinds of really crazy sh-”

His voice trails off in a choked stammer when he circles around behind Steve’s chair and catches a glimpse of the image just before Steve’s frantic clicking closes it. “What - _what_ \- how did - _why are you looking at that, Rogers!?_ ”

“ _I don’t know, it was a gallery, and it was just there!_ ” Steve sputters back, just as mortified as Tony, but it doesn’t pacify Stark in the slightest.

“What kind of gallery - _how did this - oh my god_.” Tony’s completely incoherent, mouthing at the computer screen like a fish, and under different circumstances, Steve would relish the image, but right now, he’s too busy mirroring Tony’s horror. Very slowly, he looks at Tony, who glances down at him. They make eye-contact for just a second, and Tony nods. Just slightly. Confirmation that they need to open it again. Just to be sure.

Neither of them can quite believe what they’re seeing, so Steve clicks the thumbnail one more time.

There’s nothing particularly _shocking_ about the photo itself - at least not for anyone who’s seen twenty-first century pornography. In some ways, in fact, it’s almost tame. A man and two women, all three of them half-naked, posed in a comfortable, easy tangle of limbs that somehow makes Steve feel _more_ awkward, like he’s intruding on someone’s private gathering, not...well, looking at porn. He doesn’t recognize the women, more’s the better, but the man is familiar. Too familiar, even with his face in profile and buried in a woman’s bared breasts. He’d recognize the bearing, the mustache, and the shit-eating grin _anywhere_. And he wants it _not_ to be true, because who wants to admit to having seen an old friend knuckles-deep in a woman in a vintage snapshot, but it’s so blatantly, _unmistakably_ him that Steve can’t deny it.

Tony says it before Steve can. “ _Jesus Christ,_ Rogers, close it! That’s my _dad!_ ”

“Yeah, and he’s _my_ old war-buddy, Stark! Neither of us wanted to see this!”

“See what?” Pepper’s voice is much closer than it would be if she were still on the couch, and Steve and Tony jump in unison, Steve moving to close out of the window at the same time as Tony lunges forward to cover the laptop screen with his hands. They knock against each other, and Tony loses his balance, falling momentarily to one knee and giving Pepper the chance to crane her head around Steve’s back and get a good look at the screen. Steve minimizes the window far too late to stop her, and gingerly twists around to look at Pepper. Her expression is carefully blank, the same one she uses when Tony’s drunk and she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of getting a rise out of her, but there’s the slightest muscle twitch in her cheek.

She manages the poker face for maybe another two seconds before she bursts out laughing. Steve glances at Tony, watching what he can only imagine to be a mirror of his own expression as Tony’s face falls from horror to shame. It would have been one thing if Pepper had _also_ been horrified, but the _laughter..._

“Oh my god, Tony, oh my _god!_ ” Pepper’s laugh is high and bright, and Steve usually enjoys listening to it, but right now it’s salt in a wound, and he glances sidelong at Tony, who is turning beet red and scowling ferociously.

“ _It’s not funny, Pep!_ ” he insists, crossing his arms over his chest. When Pepper doesn’t stop, he huffs, sticking out one hip in a way Steve suspects is mostly unconscious and tapping his foot in irritation. Pepper responds by laughing harder, slowly doubling over until she has crumpled gracefully onto her knees, entire body shaking with mirth. Tony continues to glare, but it has absolutely no effect on Pepper, who waves a hand weakly at him, stops laughing for just long enough to breathe, and then snorts loudly and starts all over again.

“What’s not funny? Is it still open or did you close it for real this time?” Bruce hasn’t gotten up from the couch, but the book he was reading is closed in his lap, and he’s watching the three of them with the beginning of laughter already in his eyes. Steve flashes him a brief smile in spite of himself, but Tony’s not buying the ‘friendly, curious scientist’ act.

“Too late. It’s closed. Gone forever. You’ll never know what it was,” he begins.

Pepper cuts him off by blurting out, “It was porn of Tony’s dad!” and immediately dissolving into helpless laughter again.

“What, really?” Bruce, damn him, sounds _curious_. “There’s porn of Howard on the internet?”

“Oh my god Banner you can’t just ask about that kind of thing!” Tony yells, but it’s completely drowned out by a high-pitched squeal that Steve recognizes as Pepper desperately trying to stop laughing. “Pepper, for god’s sake!” Tony adds, but the redhead is gone, hands pressed to her mouth, tears streaming down her cheeks. She has replaced laughter with gasps, coughing into her fists, obviously trying hard to get herself under control.

“Go figure,” Bruce says calmly, turning the book over in his hands. “How’d Steve find porn of Howard?”

“I _didn’t!_ ” Steve snaps, indignant, and Pepper loses it again, _screaming_ into her hands and breaking down into laughter that sounds more like sobbing.

“ _Oh my **god** , Pepper!_” It’s the last straw for Tony, who throws his hands up and stalks out of the room, expression equal parts indignant and hurt. Pepper takes a deep breath and makes a sympathetic noise, getting to her feet and starting after him, hiccuping and dissolving into giggles as she chases him down the hall.

“Sorry - I’m sorry - Tony, you have to admit this is hilarious - it’s just...like father, like son!” she manages to get through the entire spiel before busting out laughing again, and Steve can hear her heckling him down the hallway to the elevator.

“So,” Bruce says calmly, picking up the book again and tactfully ignoring the fact that Steve’s face is _burning_ with shame. “You probably won the internet.”

“Pepper’s probably never going to let him live that down,” Steve remarks, playing it safe, and Bruce laughs quietly.

“You’re right,” he says, and then sprawls sideways so he’s taking up the entire couch. “I look forward to it.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to StringTheori for begging me to write this, and to the Internet for giving me a gallery of vintage porn photographs which really did occasionally contain a man who looked alarmingly like Howard Stark having sex with multiple beautiful ladies. God bless America.


End file.
